Solo

When asked what the hardest part of playing professional volleyball is for the last 2 years I'd always answer that being away from my family topped the list. Many speculated that attempting to have any kind of relationship would have been next to impossible, but I stood by my belief that having something or someone great was worth the frustrations of carrying on a long distance relationship. For two years me and my boyfriend fought to overcome the odds of a relationship that consisted of Skype conversations, a lot of texting and cherished weeks spent in the same area code. Many people questioned me on if we could have real feelings, having spent so little time together, or if it was a real relationship. My answer remains the same, that every moment of my long distance relationship was real. I knew a person so much better for having not been in the same place. You get to know someone from the inside, when all you have are communicated thoughts.

I have spent hours on hours trying to put to words what I want to say. Nothing seems right. Nothing seems to articulate what I'm feeling or give justice to the amazing relationship that simply, had terrible timing. What I will say, is that if asked today what the hardest part of being abroad is? I'd say being alone. For the first time in my adult life, I am truly and painfully solo. For anyone who knows me it's fair to say... I'm chatty. For weeks I have spent hours without a word uttered or texted to anyone. This silence is a new experience for me. 

I have sometimes been accused of being emotionless. While it may appear that way, it is far from the truth. What else is there to do but to search for happiness? I've always heard "fake it til' you make it" and I've taken this to heart. I've thrown myself into life with my new teammates, tested all the coffee shops in town and spent hours searching for ingredients in the grocery store.  All to avoid the deafening silence of my apartment, where there is no "good morning" text waiting on my iPad. It feels as though someone has moved out. There is an absence in my daily life when, in fact, I have always been alone. Looking at myself from an outside perspective I guess it's kind of funny, learning to be alone again, when I haven't really physically lived with anyone for some time. I think what all of this really shows is the validity of long distance love. To feel more alone when nothing concrete in my everyday life has changed is telling of how big a part my relationship played in my everyday life, despite being thousands of miles apart.